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I work for a private investigator. Part of this truth is because I had a choice, but most of it was just because they were hiring at the time I needed cash. It just so happened that I also enjoy analyzing anything I can get my hands on. And what I got my hands on this morning was a letter. It was enclosed, and on the ground, and I picked it up, and… well, I opened it. Is that illegal?

Not here on planet X. Even if it was, I really don’t care about the rules. I do the same job my boss does, and the only difference is that I get paid for it. There was a mystery at hand, and I opened the letter. As far as I’m concerned, I’m a private investigator, and I was privately investigating. You can call me Detective, or call me Agent Wolfe. Either way, I solve the mystery.

And by “solve the mystery,” what I really mean is something else entirely. But that’s not important.

So, I opened the letter. What I learned, based on the names, the descriptions, and the tone, was that her girlfriend’s armpit tasted like lime.

Let’s analyze what I know. Clearly, there’s at least two females involved. Some would say they happen to be lesbians. Either way, it appears that one of the females licked, or otherwise tasted the other female’s underarm, and decided that it reminded her of what a lime tasted like. I have extrapolated such details from a letter, which means at some point, someone actually took the time to write it out, place it in an envelope, and drop–or place—the envelope where I could find it. Certainly, this is a sign that somebody wanted to… entertain me.

I must find this person… and arrest them. Because here on Planet X, we don’t put up with entertainment nonsense.

That is all. Case closed.